covered & invisible

my time in rio thus far has been a different and eye openning experience.

i have seen younger and younger groups of kids...

barefoot and draped in oversized t-shirts...

some are lucky enough to possess blankets,

which drag along the black and white mosaic stones paving the sidewalks of copacabana.

these blankets look like donated goods from a church

(doubting they are provided by the goverment).

they are dirty, and carted around daily

providing privacy for drug use,

warmth from the elements

and shelter for naps during the day

and through the night.

**

first experiences in rio

it is grey here.. and unfortunately... my mood and energy seems to reflect this weather... occasionally raining.. with spurts of sunshine here and there....

yesterday i went to the beach with some bread and mortadela.... i spent a cloudy day in the sand... taking in the sun which came out once or twice...as the waves crashed violently around me...

with the same intensity and desperation as the kids... flies swarmed around my grocery bags... very forceful and insistent... trapping themselves in the plastic.. and crawling all over my sandals...

i was looking for the group of kids i encountered the night before....

as i was making my usually way down to copacabana around 9pm.... i saw two skinny boys in dirty oversized shirts and shorts... on the other side of the street... being "harassed" by the police.... my eyes moved over to the line of other thin bodies walking together with no real sense of direction... every time they paused for a minute... they were shooed down the street... roaming.... a group of roughly 12... ages ranging from 7 to 18 (guessing... because their rotting teeth.. and meager bodies and stunted height...don't show the truth).... all with water bottles which contained a small amount of clear liquid.... what i realized was the "super" glue they were all constantly breathing in.... the smell was so strong that at first thought it was a very strong form of alcohol that they were drinking... but as they spoke to me... fumes blowing into my face.. they came close to me... and i could feel my heart beating faster.. and the effect of the chemical on my body.. and brain... which made me realize the massive damage that was being done to these little bodies....right before my very eyes.... they are breathing in this horrid drug day in and day out.... and there was nothing i could do about it... i just watched.... and observed... and spoke to them.... and gave them attention...

they all started calling me "tia" (aunt)..... as we ate sandwiches together... (they kept asking if i had bought this to give..... they wanted to know if i had clothes to give.... i don't blame them as they were huddled in blankets... in shorts and t-shirts ... rio is not warm at night during the winter...).... we drank coke, which a nearby store owner donated... to the feast....

the police drove by... slowly... and kept moving...

i later found out that the first boy i offered sandwiches to was originally from salvador.... was born there by the "farol da barra" (barra light house)... and moved to rio about three years ago.. after the death of his mother and father.... i didn't ask for details immediately... but when i asked about other family members... he just said he has absolutely no one... just the kids around him.... all high... and getting higher...

it was an intense and personal experience i hadn't had to this date... and know will see more of...

as i observed more kids... i became aware of the constant existence of the bottle in their hands...

two boys "fighting" in the middle of the street....breathing in... fighting... laughing... trying to throw each other into the street... and laughing more... then getting more violent.... i didn't know if i should approach them... you never know what will happen when you get into someone's face in the middle of their high... the might get caught off guard in a negative way... and become violent... this is something that i need to be more aware of... because every kid i've seen here so far... has been on the glue... everyone....

actually not everyone... yesterday i had my first glimpse of the stronger side of the streets as well... the men and boys who rule and rob... the bosses which have the kids working for them... and deal with the money and drugs that are constantly changing hands...

more on those experiences later...

Mothers day... (updated)

it is sunday.......a surreal day for me...

mothers day....in many parts of the world...

and I feel so lucky to be here in Brazil...

and actually have my mother and grandmother with me....

they have come for a month visit on this journey of mine... and are seeing the beauty and kindness of the people... the exotic and rich agricultural treasures.... and the harsh realities of poverty and violence in this country for the first time....

we are in Rio de Janeiro where the distinction and difference in class and economic standing is constantly thrown in our faces and apparent right outside our windows...

one looks to the horizon and is encountered with hills and hills of shantytowns....

favelas... popping up and multiplying daily.

even the rich can't buy a perfect view of happiness.

the close proximity of neighboring favelas does not effect the existence of an extravagant home...

this past week, I spent some quality time with my family and in "luxurious" conditions, which constantly made me think.... why??.... why so expensive??... what are we paying for??..... the service was definitely nothing to write home about...

I had spent the last three months in extremely modest settings saving all my money for sandwiches and food for the kids... and suddenly I saw "200 cesta basicas" spent on a week of hotel stay... I couldn't take it... I have become too sensitive...

luckily.. my family was just as conscious as me...

and I didn't have to twist any arms to get us to move... we are now staying in a place for less than half the price...

I don't feel as guilty.. ;-)...

but I don't like feeling guilty... or making others feel that way......

stressing out over every penny is not healthy...

I just feel that as a whole... as a human race.... we can look at our spending and decide for ourselves... what is necessity.... what is healthy treating.... and what is frivolous expense...

I get more conscious to this fact everyday...

(not to say our hotel stay was frivolous... it was necessary for the time)

which brings me back to mothers day....

a day of appreciation and gratefulness....

because we are so lucky if we have a mother....

who cares for us....

is there for us through the ups and downs....

who exists as a positive force in our lives....

whether in this world or with their energy from another place....

we are lucky....

the majority of the kids that I see everyday tend to lack that...

roaming the streets alone...

with no parental guidance...

no one to help them... feed them... teach them... or love them..

they are raised by the streets...

they don't celebrate mothers day...

their mothers gave birth to them...

without understanding the reality and the consequences...

without having financial means to feed them...

and no sense of homely security...

they are left to their own devices...

and they don't celebrate mothers day...

many mothers are on drugs or alcoholics...

and tend to make their kids work for them and their addictions...

they sit on the side of the streets...

while their kids juggle and wash windows at red lights for money...

they just keep having more and more kids....

more kids to care of the other kids....

the eldest is always holding the baby...

boys... girls... babies... all taking care of each other...

and taking care of their mothers as well...

in reality the fathers are the ones who don't exists 90 % of the time

this is the problem.... one root cause to this epidemic....

lack of education and mass procreation with no means of taking care of their responsibilities

along this path... I have definitely seen my share of positive motherly relationships as well...

families on the street because of serious financial instability... grandmothers... mothers... sisters.. and daughters together... groups of women... looking through the trash for nightly meals...

from a distance, I spotted a family of women huddled around a trash bin one night... I was giving out sandwiches by motorcycle and we made an illegal u-turn... we pulled up to them as they were leaving the trash bin and asked if they would accept some sandwiches ... a little embarrassed.. and very gentile and calm in their mannerisms.... I offered them the whole bag...but they refused and only took the correct number of sandwiches to feed them... one per person... this was a rare reaction... a pure reaction from people who haven't been tainted with the "hunger" and greed that comes with drug use... they were together... poor... but supportive of each other... not trying to plan the others demise behind their back...

that very night... down the street a bit... I came across another group of women and girls pushing a shopping cart down the street... I offered them some sandwiches... which they reluctantly took... then wanted more... and money as well.... and when I wouldn't give it to them....with a look of disappointment they pushed along... the eldest woman holding the sandwich bag.... the kids following along begging for something to eat.... she expressed a selfish ruling attitude that made me think she wouldn't even give any to the kids... the sense of taking care of their young is missing... the children are seen as compitition.... for food... money... men... and work...

this i've identified as drug tainted behavior...

these are a few thoughts and observation I wanted to share with you...

on this day... mothers day... when i am gratefull to have had a mother who was there for me... and supportive of all my ventures... discoveries... and life choices...

I would like to send a message of appreciation to all my surrogate mothers as well... because I have been raised by a village of strong woman role models who have all treated me with so much support.... respect.... and love.... to all my mommy #1-#100...

I will never forget the individual marks that each one of you have made on the collage that paints my life....

I thank you!!!