i am not a blogger

i was watching an interview of norma ephron with charlie rose a couple days ago...

the topic of blogs

suddenly she spoke words which rang so true to my heart...

she commented....

"if you're working on a blog for more than an hour... it's not a blog"...

i took this to heart...

i still have blogs that were started in brazil...

and are still in "draft" form...

waiting to be perfected and rethought..

rethought and published...

so i'm starting over...

and learing how to blog...

thank you for your patience and understanding of my transition period into this new technological era.

the war is over......

... but there is no celebration in the streets..... there is no victory for the homeland.... and i'm in the middle of Brazilian depression and disappointment...

yesterday was my first anticipated experience of watching the game with a large group of strangers... hoping to be a part of the roaring joy... i was tired of cheering in home... with intimate groups of friends... i wanted action... loud stand up and wave your hands around action...

needless to say.... things didn't go as planned... and i ended up with a mass of losing.... angry... screaming... swearing... chair slamming... beer throwing Brazilians....

and they don't feel this way because Brazil lost.... they're mad because they didn't lose FIGHTING... running up and down the field in the sweat of defeat... there was no sense of intensity... no one is happy with the teams playing during this world cup... and personally i was a little disillusioned... expecting the Brazilian team to deliver a jaw dropping experience of perfect "futebol".... but not so.... an amazing cooperative group of speedy dribbling feet never took over the field...

too much money on the field... and not enough heart...

it reminds me of the USA basketball loss at the olympics... the ego takes over... and the game is sacrificed...

so the shock is setting in..... and the denial should go away soon....

there is no more excuse for the holiday.... and no more party all day and all night.... but honestly.... i'm relieved at the lessening of firecracker/bomb loud tremling noise maker usage... (which will hopefully occur after the set which went off at 5 this morning)

i think its a good time to buy my (marked down) Brazil world cup shirt today....

image train...

are we being invaded??

the city is riddled with the sounds of a war zone...

i wake up everyday to the sounds of bombs... machine guns blazing.... the house shaking ... my heart palpitating...
all day long....
and all hours of the night....
it's all to close to memories of my childhood in Iran...

but in 1988 it was war.....
in 2006.... its the WORLD CUP!!...
and i'm in Brasil!!!.....
a country which treats this every four year event as a national holiday...
everywhere from banks... malls... schools... and grocery stores shutting down during game times....
i have never experienced this frenzy over "futebol"....
but i definitely expected it....
everyone in the patriotic attire, which is sold at every street corner/gas station/car trunk (along side a nice selection of firecracker paraphanelia)....

all chatting about the cup results... but not just Brasil... this country is passionate about the sport as a whole... not just their team... almost everyone is informed and aware of what is going on... even the house wives cleaning and cooking are aware when a goal is made... although it is pretty hard to not notice....

WOW...
when Brasil pounds that ball through the net....... screams... howls.... firecrackers... bombs... all hell breaks loose... and everyone... no matter where you are is celebrating together.. everyone is glued to a TV... whether they're in their own homes... at a friends house.... at the bar down the street.. or looking through a store front window... they are one... rooting for their team... BRASIL!!!..... and boy do they know how to cheer...

it's "fourth of July" everyday here.... which honestly has just made it more difficult to distinguish the gun shots from the firecrackers... a bit of "crying wolf" going on... and really a great opportunity to do mass bombings and shootings without anyone noticing.... people who are accustomed to these intense noises don't even flinch... which is very interesting... definitely different from the regulated twice a year firecracker experiences i've had in the states...

.. fear ..

in the middle of poverty, hunger, desperation, and loneliness….

it's been quite a struggle capturing it…

i am consumed by a nervous and constant fear of taking my equipment out in public…

taking pictures has been a nightmare of insecurity and paranoia..

**

I am currently working on a camera hiding device...

it will eventually help me hit the streets and film the inhabitants

without sticking a camera in the their face…

being an obvious target to sketchy folks standing by…

always on the look out for a mark… a victim…

I have worked very hard not to be one of them…

**

**

but when is the risk needed?... when do I need to just let go?…

covered & invisible

my time in rio thus far has been a different and eye openning experience.

i have seen younger and younger groups of kids...

barefoot and draped in oversized t-shirts...

some are lucky enough to possess blankets,

which drag along the black and white mosaic stones paving the sidewalks of copacabana.

these blankets look like donated goods from a church

(doubting they are provided by the goverment).

they are dirty, and carted around daily

providing privacy for drug use,

warmth from the elements

and shelter for naps during the day

and through the night.

**

first experiences in rio

it is grey here.. and unfortunately... my mood and energy seems to reflect this weather... occasionally raining.. with spurts of sunshine here and there....

yesterday i went to the beach with some bread and mortadela.... i spent a cloudy day in the sand... taking in the sun which came out once or twice...as the waves crashed violently around me...

with the same intensity and desperation as the kids... flies swarmed around my grocery bags... very forceful and insistent... trapping themselves in the plastic.. and crawling all over my sandals...

i was looking for the group of kids i encountered the night before....

as i was making my usually way down to copacabana around 9pm.... i saw two skinny boys in dirty oversized shirts and shorts... on the other side of the street... being "harassed" by the police.... my eyes moved over to the line of other thin bodies walking together with no real sense of direction... every time they paused for a minute... they were shooed down the street... roaming.... a group of roughly 12... ages ranging from 7 to 18 (guessing... because their rotting teeth.. and meager bodies and stunted height...don't show the truth).... all with water bottles which contained a small amount of clear liquid.... what i realized was the "super" glue they were all constantly breathing in.... the smell was so strong that at first thought it was a very strong form of alcohol that they were drinking... but as they spoke to me... fumes blowing into my face.. they came close to me... and i could feel my heart beating faster.. and the effect of the chemical on my body.. and brain... which made me realize the massive damage that was being done to these little bodies....right before my very eyes.... they are breathing in this horrid drug day in and day out.... and there was nothing i could do about it... i just watched.... and observed... and spoke to them.... and gave them attention...

they all started calling me "tia" (aunt)..... as we ate sandwiches together... (they kept asking if i had bought this to give..... they wanted to know if i had clothes to give.... i don't blame them as they were huddled in blankets... in shorts and t-shirts ... rio is not warm at night during the winter...).... we drank coke, which a nearby store owner donated... to the feast....

the police drove by... slowly... and kept moving...

i later found out that the first boy i offered sandwiches to was originally from salvador.... was born there by the "farol da barra" (barra light house)... and moved to rio about three years ago.. after the death of his mother and father.... i didn't ask for details immediately... but when i asked about other family members... he just said he has absolutely no one... just the kids around him.... all high... and getting higher...

it was an intense and personal experience i hadn't had to this date... and know will see more of...

as i observed more kids... i became aware of the constant existence of the bottle in their hands...

two boys "fighting" in the middle of the street....breathing in... fighting... laughing... trying to throw each other into the street... and laughing more... then getting more violent.... i didn't know if i should approach them... you never know what will happen when you get into someone's face in the middle of their high... the might get caught off guard in a negative way... and become violent... this is something that i need to be more aware of... because every kid i've seen here so far... has been on the glue... everyone....

actually not everyone... yesterday i had my first glimpse of the stronger side of the streets as well... the men and boys who rule and rob... the bosses which have the kids working for them... and deal with the money and drugs that are constantly changing hands...

more on those experiences later...